It's been crazy these days. Wasn't accepted to any of the Singapore universities. It's heartbreaking. Anyway, one has to go on. So, that's what i am doing right now. It's impossible to get in any of the Delhi Universities. (Can't believe, the word 'impossible' is in my dictionary now.) I think Chandigarh will be best for me. Am going to land up in a place I never wanted to be.
You know it's really strange how my brain works, I don't know if it's my brain or my mind or heart. I always have conflicting thoughts inside me. One moment I am satisfied with what's happening and the other I get disappointed and cry over what's happened. The next day I am perfectly fine and contended. I try to make me understand that sometimes life doesn't go the way one wants and we should accept it as it is since it'll be for the good. I remain happy and have thoughts like these for a few weeks and then something inside emerges and says this is not it. This is not where I am suppose to be, I've worked so hard, I need to be somewhere better and bigger. I feel like I am nowhere and I am amongst all the others and there is no difference between me and them, even though I accomplished so much in school and was better off than the rest of my classmates. Always active, energetic, ready for action any moment, ready to answer anyone's call anytime. And now after school, is this were I am going to land up? Nowhere? And right when these thoughts are going on another part of me starts: No, this is not nowhere! You are somewhere! This is not the end. You are doing perfectly fine. Whatever happens is always for the good. I need to have patience, one day I'll look back on the pages of my book and laugh over how I was worried and tensed about my life, college and future. Cause I will get to know later, when I am out of college, with a job and everything will be going on fine, that whatever happened had to happen and it is that experience which has led me here.
It's like there are two totally different individuals in me. One says something and the other says totally different. Both are trying to explain their view points and what I have experienced is that one is more of a career oriented person. Not to be satisfied, always aiming for the best and getting the best. If you have not got it, go and get it!!! But how??? It doesn’t know that! It knows!!! But the surrounding, the environment is such! Or maybe the other individual thinks something and I stop there. I have seen that I never listen to just one! I always listen to both and because of that I cannot complete thinking about what one is telling me because the other interrupts with some of it's philosophical reasoning. The other one is more spiritual, philosophical and always remain happy and satisfied type of being. Just keep going on, keeping going where life is taking you, God is with you, He is helping and He is always doing for your good. He is doing everything for you!
Another thing I have noticed is that what the second part of me says or thinks, the spiritual, philosophical one, the effect of it remains longer, for days and weeks! And after a few weeks the other part comes up as if alive and rejuvenated after a long long sleep. It's like the spiritual part casts a spell on the other and for a few days the effect of the spell remains longer and slowly it starts wearing off. And the other part comes to life again. This other part has a very strong impact suddenly on me, makes me reflect upon what happened and what's going to happen and where I am, but the effect doesn’t stay for long, the spiritual part starts to defend it's views and speaks up against the other. Not really against but tries to give a strong answer to every question of the other part. The other part doesn't remain quiet it gives an equally sharp answer to the answer! But me. I give more weightage to the spiritual part. And I stay with it's view for weeks, trying to go with it. Weeks pass, and there comes a day, when I no longer can go along with it, there comes a point of time when I start to think again, is this where I am really suppose to be, I start to question again. I become unhappy, gloomy and feel blue. And the process starts all over again. The conflict, the fight of the two individuals in me and always the spiritual one wins, but for how long? I cannot sustain it for more than just a few weeks, not more than a month. What's the use of such a win which doesn't last forever??? The devil always arises! Is it really a devil? My other part? I sometimes ask this question to myself and entangle myself in these strands of complication. I don't even know if the other part is good. I have complete awareness of the goodness of the spiritual being but what about the other part? It is good for me? Should I let it ponder over all that it hovers around and makes me question my life, question the path I take?
I always wished that there was someone, someone to answer all my questions! To let me go through this. Ok. I know who can help me through this! It's God! See??? I even know the answer. What will happen? I'll go to God's cave and sit in His laps for a few weeks and the moment the spell of the spiritual being diminishes I get lost. Away from the cave. I even doubt if I ever really sit in God's laps, if I ever really go closer to him.
Is this just me experiencing these things? Does everyone think like this? Everyone has such conflicting thoughts in mind? How to stop these? Is stopping this good? Or It should go on? Is this even normal? Too many questions for a 15 minute writing on what's in my brain huh? Yes, my brain thinks a lot! Is it a problem? Thinking? Is it thinking that's not letting me go anywhere? Am I really stuck that I've started thinking I am nowhere? I know I am somewhere! Am I going right? Not really, there are many things I should do and I want to do that I am not doing FULL STOP, not for long, I know I'll be back here again.
